I think he wrote that song for you.

I wish I could be the one to love you, but you'd never let me.

when will all the tears end?
i lost a lover, my heart, and now a friend.
i always knew this path i should not have trod,
and now the consequences upon myself i have brought.

sometimes i wish i could just break down and cry. somehow i'm stronger than that, but i wish i weren't. maybe even just for one second, that i could.

each heartbreak leads me to the destiny that is mine, each surrenders me to a fate which they believe i should attain, but what if that's not what i want. i don't ask for riches, attention, what i would just really like is someone who will be there for me to share this life.

i never said i was perfect, i've always claimed that i'm full of flaws.

u have no idea how hard it is for me not talk to u.

Emo diarhoea from the past from the unsent msgs in my cellphone, I have more personal ones which I won't put up here. I might use some of these lyrics for my songs so that's why they are up here:

I want to love you but 've been too hurt before.
I want to let you in but my heart has closed the door.
Ive been left in the cold to suffer on my own and now though I've found the perfect one
I remember that I've forgotten how to love anymore.

You've can't expect any song just to blow your world apart.
It takes a bit of luck too she told me.
And a bit of feel, and it feels so surreal.

I learnt all the rules so I could break them with you
You make me feel alive again.

She's got summer in her eyes,
With flowers, daisies and butterflies.

Undecided, don't know which road to choose,
coz i'm scared that I'll make a mistake I won't be able to undo
Whether I'll want my life to mean something or to make a million bucks
How can I love you, when I still don't know who I am
I'm trying to discover just who I really will be
The kind of man I become when the shit hits the fan
And though we know our feelings, I'll not offer you my heart
Coz I know I can still be a better man for you
I'll not give you a book with empty pages
Coz you deserve a masterpiece.

I still remember the way she made me feel,
So dumbstruck, completely and totally unreal

He doesn't treat you like you deserve,
He doesn't love you like I do
I can make you happy,
Why can't you see?
But you still love him, but that's why I love you
That's why I'll keep waiting, do all that I can,
Stay here waiting, be there for you,
I'll hope that one day my love will get through to you
And you'll realise
That I loved you till the point of breaking myself
I gave everything I had, every last tear and prayer,
until I had nothing else to give,
and life I could barely live,
Just so I could hold your hand again.

Time to let your heart move on,
and time for you to let go
You're hurting no one but yourself,
And bringing me as you go
I cannot bear to see you hurt anymore
And i want to make you happy
I was born to make you happy I'm sure

My love doesn't expect anything in return
but I don't want to burden you with an unwanted love either..

She has moved on now, I know she has and I don't blame her. No one could've put up with all the foolish stunts that I tried to pull. Believe me, I only pulled them because I didn't know how to act, I never felt the feelings I felt before. I really didn't want to lose her and I tried everything to prevent that, but I have. I wasn't being myself, I apologise for that. But it's too late now to right the wrongs I did.

Despite everything, I fell in love with your heart, and I know deep down that that heart still remains. Just that you're heart doesn't belong to me anymore. So good luck in your life, your dreams, your passions, I hope we always remain friends. You will make one man incredibly happy one day. =) Thank you for briefly sharing your heart with me.


"The Contract"

the solution to your problem is simple.
it is a contract between your heart and mine.

you promise to:
1) to always be yourself.
2) give me a real chance to win your heart.
2) that if i succeed, that you'll never think of anyone else anymore.
3) if you never think of anyone else anymore, that you will try to entertain me everyday and make me happy.
4) to accept whatever i to give you, just be happy and don't feel guilty.

i promise to
1) always love you like no one else will ever love you.
2) to be different from all the other guys chasing you.
3) to love you for who you really are and not just for what you look like.
4) when i see you need a hug or someone to hold your hand. u won't need to ask me to hug you, i'll come and give it to you without you asking.
5) maybe one day, give you children that you will adore and love.
6) support you in your dreams, whatever they are.
7) if you are hungry, i will feed you.
8) when you are cold, i will keep you warm.
9) to ask how your day is everyday.
10) when you have a problem, to solve your problems.
11) when you need a man, i'll be a man
12) when you need a friend, i'll be a friend
13) to always listen to you
14) to always try to understand you.
15) when you ask me to leave you, or to forget, to never leave you or forget you.

so our mutual obligations are:
1) you'll love me. and i'll love you. always.

the contract is as simple as that."

No matter how hard I try to move, my heart still can't forget yours right now.

Week 5:

Week 5 into the search and I'm still looking for a job. It's not all bad news, I went to a Deloitte's Ability Assessment (Psychometric Analysis Test) yesterday and have to wait till the 6th of April to hear back whether I've made it into the final stage of recruitment which is the interviews. But at the same time, I've still to receive any solid job offers.

It would have as easy as snapping my fingers to get a job last year (ok, maybe not that easy), but now with the economy in recession and all that it's proved quite a challenge so far. I'm still not discouraged yet, because I know who I am and what I have to offer. But maybe it's God telling me to go back to Malaysia or maybe not to get into Banking or Law. Maybe He wants me to go into His ministry, become an asian popstar, or join the circus? I just need to have faith in His leading and His plans.

I've tried to make my time productive though. Since then, I have:
i) gone to see Jensen's pet store 3 times (they have very cute puppies).
ii) sent a lot of messages on facebook.
iii) tried to read some books.
iv) killed 1500+ zombies on Left 4 Dead.
v) taken some very korean pictures.
vi) driven around 500km in my new car.

Haha, seriously though:
i) continued on with my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
ii) joined a Chinese Singing Competition (1st prize $2000 and a ticket to HK)
iii) spent time catching up with good friends (thanks Wei-Shen, Marc, Wei Lun, Eddy, Eugene and all the others).
iv) worked a lot at my casual time job and managed to watch Coldplay live. (they were awesome!)
iv) kept on with studying chinese. Wo de zhong wen hai shi bu hao T_T
v) helped out with OCF and my church youth Group.
vi) tried my very best to keep a friendship that means the world to me.
vii) and to bring it all around, job-searching!

I'm also trying to find some charity work to do since I have so much time now. Anyone have any suggestions? I've been thinking the Salvation Army or the Citizen's Advice Bureau.

How do I feel? I feel a little disappointed that I haven't found a job yet, but I trust in God and I thank Him for my parents who are here at the moment which makes things easier and for good friends, both in Malaysia and New Zealand. I've been learning I need to trust God more and this is an area which I practice that. When our faith in God is never misplaced, He will never let us down.

Special thanks goes to Wei-Shen who has been hanging out with me coz we're both got so much free time. It was fun driving around, getting fined $60 for parking in a clear way, looking at cute animals, and just talking about our problems for hours on end. I'll be sad to see you go when you go to China and become a Chinadoll. You'll always be a dear friend to me. =)

Despite all that's happened, I will never regret meeting you.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, is that a weakness or is that something beautiful?

童話 (王光良)

忘了有多久 再沒聽到你
對我說你最愛的故事
我想了很久 我開始慌了
是不是我又做錯了甚麼

你哭著對我說 童話裡都是騙人的
我不可能是你的王子
也許你不會懂 從你說愛我以後
我的天空星星都亮了

我願 (要) (會) 變成童話裡
你愛的那個天使
張開雙手 變成翅膀守護你
你要相信 相信我們會像童話故事裡
幸福和快樂是結局

Tong Hua (Fairytale) by Guang Liang [from Ipoh!]

I've forgotten how long it's been
Since I last heard you
Tell me your favourite fairytale
I've thought for a very long time
I'm starting to get worried
Have I done something wrong again?

You told me with tears in your eyes
That fairytales are all lies
There's no way I can be your prince charming
Perhaps you don't understand
Since you said you loved me
The stars in my sky started to twinkle

I'm willing to be
The angel you love in the fairytale
I'll open my arms wide
And turn them into wings to protect you
You must believe
Believe that we will be like the fairytale
With happy ever after as the ending

Together we'll write our own ending

及还是我衷心的臆 给你.