1)LJS the pirate lives on!!!! Argh, me heartys~!
2) How can people who've met just a couple times feel like they've known each other for ages? Love at first sight?
3) PS2 LAN party!!! Spending a day with 35+ year olds who never grew up, how was it?
4) Constanticity or spontanuity? Affairs in marriage?

Intrigued? Pop on by later to find out more~~

"Later in the morning"

Eeek, seems i won't be able to make the post today untill wednesday. I've just almost finished packing for the ski trip and it's 4 am right now~~ Can't blog now sorry but I will soon, stay tuned~~

Lol I'm back,
just want to say I am no player, I care about the other girl's hearts as much as I do my own.

I've been down to the darkest pits of relationship breakups and I wouldn't want anyone to feel what I've gone through. I mustn't be a pushover in this area just because I don't want to hurt their feelings in the short run, what matters is that I don't hurt them in the long run (which will be more painful!).

hmm, had more thoughts but forgot them, lol!
oh have to pack for ski trip, yay, probly won't tho. :P
Carparks are the best place for singing too!!

Blog Ya Later,

What a bizzare day!!! I would have never imagined anything like this to happen to me in a million years. Ok woke up, and went shopping and bought a nice black tie (25 bucks!) and got my hair trimmed and dyed (it was so short already!). But i didn't mind coz I wanted to dress to impress as a ball only comes around once a year (or more if u had the money to pay for them!). I wanted to go as a pirate and went off to a misc shop to buy pirate-y pirate stuff. Eventually got an eye-patch with a fake moustache (never used the moustache) and a pirate gun thing which i could flick around and catch (i practiced so long to get it correct! heh). The theme of our ball was water, and my weird logical progression was that since the shirt i was wearing looked kinda like a pirate shirt, and that a pirate's home was the sea, and the sea was full of..... WATER! So therefore LJS (Long John Silver = Ling Jun Shien, get it?? haha) was born!!!

Watched Dodgeball by Ben Stiller, it was ok, not as great as his other movies (how'd i have time to fit this in with ball prep, don't ask me, it's all about the manipulation of time!)! But when I arrived at the preball at my ex's, I found out she was dressed as a pirate as well!! How UNCANNY is that?? She was going to another ball and the theme was "the pirates of the carribean" (so much better than WATER...) and I had no idea she was gonna be dressed as a pirate. And WHAT A PIRATE! ;) Yea, i had some longing pains, but i didn't let that get the best of LJS the pirate! Arghhhh me hearteys! Anyways, since i couldn't find a sash or bandana, I decided i'd look dumb with just the plastic gun and eyepatch, and as quick as LJS was born, he was buried! (Darn I wasted 80 cents on the eyepatch and 6 dollars for the gun!) And so I went as boring old me (Me? Boring? Neverrrrrrr~)

Alright we had a huge pain getting there in time before the doors were shut, and that's a story in itself, pretty uninteresting but a story nonetheless. We made it there at 7.05 (doors were supposed to be shut at 7!). I went in my dad's jag! Lucky I didn't hit anything as it's uninsured, and i hope my parents don't read this hehe! There's no dents dad! Except for a couple... just kidding!! Eeek, i'd have to change my name and leave to Turkey if i hurt his car! And the place where the ball was being held was where I had my first date with my ex. UNCANNY SQUARED!

Alright, then we had fun, as u do at balls, taking pictures of unsuspecting victims and complaining about the food (ahhh so much fun!) and I met many old faces and plenty of new ones too! Of importance to this story (which is true in that it happened, but false in that i don't wanna get my pants sued off!) was that I met this girl (we'll call her Esmeralda) I'd gone to a foam party with a long time ago! And well, when i was on the dance floor, she popped up and started dancing with our group. But eventually we got to the stairs and started talking whilst looking out into the sea (the ball is at the viaduct) and all the docked boats swaying from side to side like grass. And we really hit it off, talking about what we did and about our lives, and I started to feel some attraction to her sincerity and happiness. And it's weird, because we've only met each other twice.

The thing is........ I was at the ball with someone else (unofficially and who we'll call Celene) and I didn't want to ignore her either. Sigh, i never expected anything like this to happen to me, and I didn't want to hurt any/both of the girls. Thankfully Celene had friends to dance with, and Esmeralda's friends had left her alone at the ball. Well the thing is, I had to tell Esmeralda I wasn't ready for a relationship, even though I liked her, and I am really not rdy for a relationship at this stage in my life. Not if it means someone getting hurt. After my ex, who was my life in NZ, I've tried to rebuild my life and I'm still midway so I can't really be in a relationship right now even tho I want one sooo bad! And I felt i couldn't commit totally to her becoz I didn't know her well enough yet, so I thought the best thing to do was to not pursue a relationship yet. I did get to talk to Celene for a while as well, and it was good~

"Are you in a relationship because you love the person, or you love the feeling of being loved?"

That's an issue I grapple with, and I'm not really sure how to resolve it even. If you are in a relationship becoz of the latter, you are being selfish, not loving. And from Juni's blog, "'I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.'" This is particularly true for me, and I need to be sure when I am in a relationship, I'm in it for the right reasons, and it has to be the right person. I don't want to be irresponsible in an area like this.

Well, Esmeralda left and I hope we will be friends and get to know each other better, and I was able to have the last dance with Celene, one that she promised me a long time ago. And I guess all's well and ends well. Gosh I feel like kicking myself in the bum becoz I did like Esmeralda, but I think I did what is best for me, for her, and for God. But right now, I'm still single and floating around waiting for the right one. I have no idea how it'll work out, but it will, and I will try every effort not to hurt others.

Wow, I don't even want to start analysing this, but I will bring u guys pics when things settle down, i've got a PS2 lan party tomorrow, and a ski trip on monday to wednesday, and a 21-st on thursday. It's gonna be a hectic week! Alas sleep evades me once again!

Wow, you kno those people always on the streets at night preaching about Jesus? yea, u kinda avoid them as if they had some STI or something, or just say "thanks but no thanks" or "i'm a christian already (even tho they might not be christians!)" but I never expected I'd be one of them. And what an experience it was...

Being a university student, you normally get some respect for apparently being smart (oh how untrue!) but even if a genius phd holder stood on the streets for Jesus, they'd get looks that say "oh wow you're crazy!" It was totally unfamiliar territory for me! I'm a very sociable guy normally and it was just so weird having people brush past u as quickly as possible as if u were homeless. People assume you're some hardout fanatic for standing there and making a stand that u're christian. I'm a very normal guy with a normal life, and yet it's funny how people act towards u when u announce u're a christian. I believe in Jesus becoz there is no contradiction with existence! Not because I'm crazy or a lunatic or weak.

Karl Marx said "religion is the opium of the masses" I reckon materialism and society's worldview is the real drug from being truely happy. Admit it, you have a void that nothing can fill no matter how cool u are, how many girlfriends u have, or how rich u are. It's because there's a space within us built for God! Sigh, how do i explain without being perceived as a hippy, or a lunatic? It is very down to earth if u ask me, there's nothin else to it..

I am willing to sacrifice my reputation as a cool guy if u believe christianity makes me 'uncool.' But the whole reason i'm the way i am, is because of what God has done in my life. If i wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't be as nice or happy as I am. I'd probly be some sleaze sleeping with as many girls as I could get my hands on, cutting corners and making money.

Something that will stick with me for a long time becoz i went thru it mentally and it happened tonight was a guy that was really angry for some reason and he just kept on shouting "WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK!" I know what he feels like bcoz I have always thought of people who rely on drugs, drink and sex when stressed as weak. They rely on something to help get them through. And it's true, i'm weak! Everyone is and those that say they aren't are lying to themselves. But I guess the only thing is that I channel that weakness to something good, and look I come out a better stronger person with hope. Not drugs, alcohol, smokes, weed, sex that leads to despair. In no way am I an "escapist," instead I face reality head on and I can only do that with the realisation that God is for me. God is not some psychological edge or comfort, He is a real being.

That's not even the reason I'm a Christian (becoz he's my strength), that's just a benefit from my relationship with Him. I know, i know, this might sound kinda "out there." Having a relationship with a being that doesn't exist or someone you can't see? But He's there, just as if we stood in a room with a window, and outside every blade of grass is moving, we can't see it, we can't feel it from here, but we know it's there! I'm a Christian because i have a conscience, why wld I have one? Every person starts off with a conscience, although some starve it to death. Why do we have notions of right and wrong (not specific acts as it differs with cultures)? Because there is a God! And why would He create us if He did not love us? So He does, and He died for my sins bcoz I can never undo a wrong, so that He could reconcile my relationship with Him. And today I do~ If not I would've gone crazy a long time ago, but I am ok bcoz He's been with me, and once again He's not someone I made up in my mind. If you don't believe me, ask Him to show Himself to you!

"Everyday they pass me by,

I can see it in their eyes,
Empty people filled with care,

Headed who knows where?

People need the Lord,

At the end of broken dreams,
He's the open door,

When will they realise?
People need the Lord"

Anyways, ball today!! woohoo! holidays have started! let the games begin!! :)

Blog ya later,

Hmmm.... a thought crossed my mind yesterday and i was wondering, probly bcoz I'm alone and all, how much socialisation in one's life does one need to be properly normal in society? It's interesting when u think about it really! U hear these stories of ppl who've been living without human contact and i wonder how sane society wld deem them? Would they forget how to behave in public? Doing the Al Bundy position (hand down jeans, and not the pocket either!) and feel no hint of shame? I actually feared that this might happen to me?

I feel isolated, like I don't have any meaningful relationships in life at this moment. Maybe because I spend so much time alone? Maybe coz I don't have friends at my place all the time anymore? I guess this is all normal when you're at a crossroad in life? Kinda like the quote from Winston Churchill saying "i'm the most loneliest when i'm around people." I don't know, I feel like i really need to spend a day with someone just mucking around and doing nothing, but who with? U kinda need that certain level of 'friendship' before u can actually do that without feeling either "gay" or that u're in a relationship (dependin whether it's a guy or gal).

Which is weird, because I'm having so many meaningful conversations on MSN with tons of people and yet maybe I feel little reprieve? Maybe it's becoz I associate PC's with gaming and treat my conversations like a game rather than actually socialising? Which brings me to a really good question, "IS THE INTERNET A SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL SOCIALISING?" We get all these kids at home spending every evening chatting on their pcs but is it really a subsitute for having a game of bball at the court?

Who knows? I'm just probly in a contemplative mood, i don't feel depressed. Actually I feel pretty content in life, but who knows? I feel like I've heard that the worst depressed people are those who don't know their depressed? Is that me?? I feel fine, maybe great even!

I heard from bible study tonight that my friend's been diagnosed with minor depression, I'm a little bit worried for her, she's a really awesome person and has helped me through some tough times, I think I'm gonna txt her to try to brighten her up. But yea, hmm.. sorry no funnies today. Except u can laugh at me bcoz I have an assignment to do and hand in tomorrow! hehe!

I just read the book "Sushi for beginners" by Marian Keyes (I KNO I KNO it's a chick book :)) under recommendation from my good friend Kimi and in it there are these comedians and they all write books that are filled with darkness and hate and hurt, and is that what I am? Do i have this dark alter ego that's bent on destroying the world and making everyday saturday? Hmm, nah i think not, i think he'd rather play some Basketball and drink tea. hehe, dang my alter ego stinks.... Anyways, here's for a better day tomorrow~ Ganbattemasu~~

Isn't it funny the games we'll play in the name of romance? The dilly dallying, the beating around the bush, the playing hard to get, the "oh shld i call, is it too early, am I being desperate?" and the hints we drop? Sigh, why do we do such things? I'm not sure with couples, but right now as a single person, I guess it's a method of minimising our risks, to make sure if the other person does like us before we make our move or if we'll let ourselves submit to the power that love. Or in the pursuit of love anyways. The dropping hints here and there is just like the lady dropping the hanky hoping that the guy will pick it up and introduce himself, more often than not, the guy is too busy staring at her bum and the lady loses a perfectly good hankerchief! Sigh such is the world we live in! But i guess most of us want a sign that the other person is at least slightly interested in us before we pull the "are we more than friends?" line and dropping hints and hopefully receiving the proper signals allows us to do that.

How do you make someone love you? Such was the question posed in Bruce Almighty and deserves to be contemplated! Wouldn't it be way easier if we were all just arranged to be married to someone like the indian tradition? Sigh then there wouldn't be this waste of energy and effort on all this pussyfooting around! I estimate an increase of productivity by 300%! Sigh, class is getting to me...

But love's a funny thing, and something we all hope to attain! Life definately wouldn't be as fun without it. It is truely the spice of life (magnifico!)! And so with the hope of eternal happiness, we slave on and meet the world each day in hoping that we'll meet that special someone. So what's the conclusion of this discussion? Nothing really we're back where we started, this is a BLOG not a scientific or spiritual journal! Whaddya expect?!

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

"Searching all my days just to find you

I'm not sure who I'm looking for

I'll know itWhen I see you

Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom just staying up all night just to write

A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here

So tired of being alone

So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox

I could have passed you on the sidewalk

Could I have missed my chance

And watched you walk away?"

I just copied and pasted this coz I find this funny and relevent to the topic (u might argue but this is my blog so shuddup! ;P). I'm not desperate or anything, but it's true, I write love songs for no one, I find myself whispering "i love u" and i feel so fulfilled and happy, but who am I really talking to? I don't know, maybe God, maybe myself, i'm hoping it's not my ex, and who knows? What's important is I get satisfaction and happiness outta it and I'm content wif that!

What'd I do today? Felt pretty awake actually for having only a couple hours of sleep! Enjoyed class today, too bad I started enjoying it just before hols start and when the next half of semester starts i'll be back to being a bum. Had hip hop class, was really good and challenging but I was on top of it today! Normally half way through the dance I suffer from sudden amnesia and end up look like a dork having an epileptic fit but not today! Must've taken the right pills or something. I'm really enjoying hip hop class (not just becoz of the pretty girls, i know that's what u guys are thinking!) but I've always enjoyed dancing! Had a couple years where I was involved doing jazz for a yearly show but that ended, and haven't done anything (except choreograph my church's dance) really till now. And I'm enjoying the challenge... but not so much the sore leg muscles after...

Looking forward to the ball on sat, and skiing the week after, i reckon it's gonna be rad, bodacious and all that jazz... It's so easy to dress for a ball when u're a guy aye? Same suit, same shirt, same pants, hopefully not the same underwear as the last ball tho, and u're done. Ahh it's good to be a guy. :) Anyways, enough for today! Will tell u more when I'm closer to the action!

Blog Ya Later,

Wow 2 blogs in one day, may this be an omen of better things to come?

I'm still awake, it's 1.57 AM now, and an update on my status is........... worthless because it's not likely my whole world has changed in half an hour, is it?

But I read my last blog and it seems kinda sad, it's not supposed to be, it's just that the song reminds me of a couple of things, I'm actually doing tons better than the beginning of the year and have rebuilt my life~ So do not fear my fellow flightless birds and human readers, I will not turn suicidal nor will I become a field fisher (as from the story I heard as a wee one of crazy people going to the middle of a soccer field with a line and rod).

Why'd I blog again? I don't know really, but I can!! and that's good enough for me~ Sigh sleep deprivation causes abnormal behaviour and logic failure (let that be a warning to u young'uns!).

But really, the heart of the matter is I was asking myself why has blogging caught on? And is it going to stay?

Obviously there's the issue of the blog being like a diary (not a DAIRY that u go to for the milk) but then there's no privacy as any random person can just come along and read your every personal intimate thought. Hmm.. big problem there..

Then again there's also the idea that we all want to be famous, and having a blog helps in a small way to achieve that. We feel important (diary's make us feel so too) that there is someone we can report our day to. Does it even matter if anyone reads our blogs? Probly not, as proved in me adding this very entry to my blog! With a proud circulation of one (the other guy got x'ed by the govt for his conspiracy theories on Helen Clark (NZ PM) being a man called Bob), this blog is no mere achievement... IT IS NO ACHIEVEMENT.

Anyways I guess that adding an entry in a blog makes you feel like an editor, or a newsreporter, or a celebrity, and that makes us feel important. WANTED even?

So, is it here to stay? Or is it a fad like the forgotten ecircles.com and Osama Bin Laden t-shirts? I guess only time will tell and this is a cop out answer so that I can get to bed now coz I shld sleep! Class tomorrow!
ARGH

Anyways,
Blog Ya Later,

Argh, it's 1.30 AM, why do I do this to myself? I know I'm gonna regret this when I wake up tomorrow because I'll be so tired during the day!! But still, i guess i must be a glutton for punishment then~

I've got this song stuck in my head, and heart i guess. It's got such a nice chorus that I just sing over and over again for hours, I guess it's bcoz I know what that guy's going through, coz the song describes almost exactly how my break up exp was. Life is tough and confusing, I always think I'm over "her" but something comes along and I feel like i need "her" again, but it's normally just temporary. But as they say... "time is the best healer of hearts" and all I gotta do is grit my teeth during the hard days and enjoy the good days.

"And I'm just standing there I can't say a word Because everything is just gone I've got nothing Absolutely nothing

'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me There's things I can't imagine doing Things I can't imagine seeing It weren't supposed to be easy, surely Please, please, I'm begging, please"

Wow... I must've thought those words up a million times when it happened, how'd he get them in HIS song? :P

There have been a few days where she's not entered my mind at all though... I think... So I guess I must be making progress! But I can't/don't want to make myself hate her to get over her (even tho mayb she did that to me), I want to do this the right way! And the relationship was such a cornerstone in my life and we had so many good times, I don't want to distort the memories.. But life works out for the best u know? Just suck it in and keep ur chin up boy!

Anyway, here's the song, it's called Dry Your Eyes by The Streets

In one single moment, your whole life can turn round
I stand there for a minute, staring straight into the ground
Looking to the left slightly, then looking back down
The world feels like it's caved in, proper sorry frown

Please let me show you where we could only just be for us
I can change, and I can grow, or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship if you must

I look at her, she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over, like she's looking straight through me
Her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's looking down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take, but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now, it's over

So then I move my hand up and down by my side
It's shaking; my life is crashing before my eyes
I turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh

'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doing
Things I can't imagine seeing
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I'm begging, please

She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers around mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushing my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take, but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now, it's over

And I'm just standing there
I can't say a word
Because everything is just gone
I've got nothing
Absolutely nothing

Trying to pull her close out of bear desperation
Put my arms around her, trying to change what she's saying
Pull my head level with hers so that she might engage in
Look in to her eyes to make her listen again

I'm not gonna fucking just fucking leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever, and that was your vow
And your gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town

She pulls away my arms, tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back as she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take, but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now, it's over

I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Telling you things, but not telling straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take, but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now